Aggravation

     It's so hard to just find the time to write something that you want to write and just enjoy it. Either you criticize your own work or someone else is doing that for you and it is the most annoying aspect of writing, but a necessary one. I don't even know why I am talking about this, but I guess ideation plays a large role in writing, ti really does and I love that. I think that it is a really abstract way to look at it, instead of entitling the section Writing its about ideation and I guess I am willing to explore where that will lead me later on in my own writing process, even if I don't know exactly just yet. I know that inversion was a good lesson to learn for later to learn.
     Now about the Bayeux Tapestry. As I dived into it in class, I tried to get into the idea of battling the good and evil of oneself. And I was really stumped at first about what I was going to draw. I really didn't know what I would be drawing at first so I just went up there and started to draw and then an idea hit me to do the Temptation of lust vs. love. I know the idea is kind of cliché  but it really was the idea that was on my mind at the time and I thought that it was good to write about for me at the time.
     I'm in a long distance relationship and it is so complicated and there are so many problems and issues to deal with that I don't know how I will overcome them sometimes, but I want to work it out so much and I hope it will, and it really felt liberating to be able to draw my own inner battle with that, not that I would talk about that in class...I just want to figure it out. But life isn't always black and white. I truly believe every situation is shades of black and white, often times grey. It is never exactly simple, no matter how bad you want it to be. It isn't and I know that may come a annoying for a lot of people. I even find it aggravating, but at the same time it is what makes writing so fun for me. I love discovering new characters as I write and trying to figure out how they will solve the problem/conflict that arises in the story, which often times plays a role in my own life. I love it and it is what I want to do and I just wish sometimes that I could just throw my words down and type like I do with these blogs. I don't even think when I type, I just do it and it either works or it doesn't and I love it. 
     So I don't know if I will be an amazing writer any time soon, but I do know that it will be a part of my life and that I will not stop writing no matter what happens, negative criticism or not. This is what I love and this is what I plan on doing for the rest of my life. Live and Let Love.

Tapping into Character

     I am a drug addict. My addiction controls my life pretty much everyday. It controls me and takes over my very being, making normal decisions more strenuous than others would think. No one seems to understand the nature of being an addict, and I don't know if I can blame them. If I was in their position then maybe I would feel the same way, the same skepticism. I only fear that my own son would understand that I am not perfect and will never claim to be. I will never be a perfect mother or perfect person. My memories and my life have led me to this point. I am my addiction. And I can't overcome it no matter how hard I try. Maybe it is impossible, or maybe it is just ME.

     For today's lesson, we had to tap into a character. I guess I tried to tap into my mother. She has dealt with drug and alcohol abuse for the past ten years, I guess I don't even remember a time when she wasn't who she is today. I don't know if I pulled the addict idea off in class but I really felt into it more than other activities from other sections of the class. I love tapping into a character because when I write I try and find that feeling or emotion or situation that a character deals with or feels. Using that as a template, the story just flows (or more often struggles to) through my fingers onto the keyboard. 

     So I think I picked my mother today in class as a focus to tapping into a character. I don't know why it just felt right at the time. I actually think that the exercise gave me an idea, so right now I am thinking of writing a short story related to my mother's addiction and I think that is something I can't get from every class. 

     Class also helped me realize that I haven't talked to my mom in about a month, seeing as I haven't seen her in about five years I guess I take her for granted. So I will probably call her soon to find out what has been going on with her. Hopefully she is fine (she probably is).

     I kinda feel like the parent in the relationship with my mother, so I tried to tap into the idea of self-doubt in my character today. I really love looking into something an actor or actress may do to reach that point of believability. 

     So I guess I hope I can apply this idea into my writing (for some reason I always do this to our exercises but that is what makes them so enjoyable for me). 

     I wish I could understand my mother's choices better than I do  now, maybe one day I will. Or maybe I won't. But what I learned so far this year is that learning something can be abstract, and maybe I already understand my mom I just haven't admitted it yet. 

     On the other hand, maybe writing about it will help me look at it in a different light. If I can do that, then I could learn something new. (I may elaborate on this more in a later blog)

Falling: Learning the Connection

     At first I doubted the validity of falling on a mat as actually learning anything, but as the session went on, I came to the realization that it really can help. I feel like falling is this abstract thing that people usually fear. When I think of falling, I remember failing on a test or feeling like I'm out of control of my life and I really don't like that feeling. For this exercise, I found it hard to adapt and connect with falling. I found it strange and couldn't really find what I attached falling to.
     However in the second class, I related more to this idea and tried to tap into my emotions better. One of the scenarios that kept playing through my head was someone doing the same thing over and over again for a class like Dimensions in Creativity, but instead of feeling distant, like I do for it, he falls remembering physical abuse between his parents. Though I think deep down part of this relates back to my own parents' drunken arguments. Anyways as I fall I usually think of this instead of necessarily connecting with the activity. 
     However in next part of class when we had to let our body do what it wanted movement wise. Again I felt distance from the activity, but after some hesitation I connected with the idea. I really don't know how to describe the movement I focused on in class but it embodied the emotion of self-doubt, either physically or mentally. This is seen my me looking at my hand which clenches into a fist and then unclenches. Meanwhile, my other hand rubs along this hand and caresses my arm. I fought to include the rest of my body and this became a problem for me to pass. Soon I did though. I pulled my first movement from earlier in class where I took a step back like I was falling. This really spoke to me.
     I don't understand why it spoke to me, well maybe I do. I kinda doubt myself a lot, especially when it comes to my writing. Right now I have to type this as fast as I can so I don't over think it because if I do it will not come out. I want to express myself artistically through writing and as I go on through this class, I am seeing how I can apply falling to my own projects in the future, be it writing or production (when I actually learn how to use a camera).
     But back to the movement of self-doubt. I think it really spoke to me and I hope we continue to build on this in future classes. I hope that I do connect with this idea even more because I am willing to learn from this and I am excited. I already have tons of ideas running through my head, I just have to put them together on paper. Maybe doing all these physical activities will help the writer inside me and help to put ideas on paper.

Our Light

     Now I don't claim to understand the meaning behind images or what it means when you draw a certain picture but I guess I can try and decipher the meaning behind it all. So, in class last week, we had to trace someone else's body so they could use it for an exercise. Kinda awkward, since I had no idea what we were about to do. Eventually, after a few minutes we began drawing pictures. The first was where we believed our "light" was located in your body. Seeing as my body didn't have arms, it kinda of limited where I could put it. On the other hand, the first thought of where to put my light was where my heart is located.
     So I guess since I drew my light where my heart is and shaped it that way, it probably means something like I believe in following my heart and searching for the truth. I guess if I follow my heart I will be following my dreams or some random stuff like that. I don't really remember the rest of the order of the parts we were supposed to draw. So I think I will just go into a spew of the drawings.
     Well after the light drawing, I think we had to draw a house and where we thought it would be. I drew it at my head. It really looked dingy and kinda thought like it was swaying in the wind. I drew a lake by it because my dream house would be near the water. Plus, I drew it in my head to show that my ideal house is all in my head at the moment and maybe will be what I hope it is whenever I do in fact get one.
     Anyways, after that I think we had to draw a river in our body. I drew it as if it was coming from the lake that was as my house. the lake started from my head and led all the way down to my right foot. It kinda had that flowing, infinite, uncontrollable feeling to it. Meanwhile, a little basket that I wrote hopes and dreams on is sitting on the river, drifting down it. I guess that means to me that people sometimes give up on their hopes and dreams and that to me isn't the right way to go. For that very reason, I think it is key to never give up on the things that matter most to you.
     On the other side of the flowing river is a fire that is attacking the light/heart. This flows all the way to my left foot and is really contrasting the river. I guess it represents how we are always fighting something within us and things out in the world that we can't always control. We shouldn't let that put out our light.
     I also drew a shadow shaped like a tornado in my head. I don't know what that means, probably relates to the fire idea that sometimes life is hard sometimes.
     In my heart/light I drew a locked door, where I guess I keep my true feelings and any secrets I may not want to share with the rest of the world. A locked door in my heart sounds really cliche but that is what I drew and what I thought of whenever we had to draw it.
     Finally (even though we did not do it last), I drew a snake near my crotch. I guess at first it was the idea of temptation following me around (like procrastinating on homework), but i I added a butterfly that the snake was supposed to be attacking. In the end, I turned it into the snake protecting the butterfly from the fire. So I guess it kinda shows you not to judge things by their appearance because you might not get to see the lighter side of their personality and realize that they might be a really awesome person. Plus, I love the idea of protecting the light of others by helping them in a time of need.
     Living your life alone and without support is not a way to live.