Tapping into Character

     I am a drug addict. My addiction controls my life pretty much everyday. It controls me and takes over my very being, making normal decisions more strenuous than others would think. No one seems to understand the nature of being an addict, and I don't know if I can blame them. If I was in their position then maybe I would feel the same way, the same skepticism. I only fear that my own son would understand that I am not perfect and will never claim to be. I will never be a perfect mother or perfect person. My memories and my life have led me to this point. I am my addiction. And I can't overcome it no matter how hard I try. Maybe it is impossible, or maybe it is just ME.

     For today's lesson, we had to tap into a character. I guess I tried to tap into my mother. She has dealt with drug and alcohol abuse for the past ten years, I guess I don't even remember a time when she wasn't who she is today. I don't know if I pulled the addict idea off in class but I really felt into it more than other activities from other sections of the class. I love tapping into a character because when I write I try and find that feeling or emotion or situation that a character deals with or feels. Using that as a template, the story just flows (or more often struggles to) through my fingers onto the keyboard. 

     So I think I picked my mother today in class as a focus to tapping into a character. I don't know why it just felt right at the time. I actually think that the exercise gave me an idea, so right now I am thinking of writing a short story related to my mother's addiction and I think that is something I can't get from every class. 

     Class also helped me realize that I haven't talked to my mom in about a month, seeing as I haven't seen her in about five years I guess I take her for granted. So I will probably call her soon to find out what has been going on with her. Hopefully she is fine (she probably is).

     I kinda feel like the parent in the relationship with my mother, so I tried to tap into the idea of self-doubt in my character today. I really love looking into something an actor or actress may do to reach that point of believability. 

     So I guess I hope I can apply this idea into my writing (for some reason I always do this to our exercises but that is what makes them so enjoyable for me). 

     I wish I could understand my mother's choices better than I do  now, maybe one day I will. Or maybe I won't. But what I learned so far this year is that learning something can be abstract, and maybe I already understand my mom I just haven't admitted it yet. 

     On the other hand, maybe writing about it will help me look at it in a different light. If I can do that, then I could learn something new. (I may elaborate on this more in a later blog)